I’m writing this on the first day of Ramadan. It’s my very first blog post on my very first blog. I’ve decided to begin the venture I have been procrastinating to do for so long in the hopes that it will help me figure out my life destiny. I’ve decided to begin this adventure on the month that means so much to the faith that we hold so dear. My affinity for writing has been diminished drastically the past year and I cannot pinpoint why this is so, if the current upheaval is the product of my impatience and opportunities I’ve left or just plain bad luck that I just have to wait out.
I remember the days I believe have shaped you, my dear 13 year old self. You were in high school. Isn’t this the place where long lasting personalities are set, due to raging hormones and peer induced positive and negative events? You were always the best friend, the social pleaser of little peers who fought over your friendship. Happy, bubbly and open, totally unselfconscious, stealing trinkets from home to give your favorite teachers.
Then it hit you like a freight train. The judgement, the cruelty and the unnecessary meanness. You became closed and very self-conscious about every aspect (the breasts that were such close friends with gravity) to the point of self extinction. I remember you trying to make new friends at new schools and fingers pointing while tears were shedding. Things got better from there for a while and friends were made, some long-lasting, and others who came and went. But it’s not clear if you were born an introvert or were just made into one by social circumstance.
You couldn’t find your potential voice and courage and you got so intensely lost and wrapped into your imagination, it was as if you were not really there anymore. This made it hard for your peers to figure you out and you were dubbed ‘the quiet one’ and generally left alone hiding in the library during lunch breaks. Events at home (the DIVORCE and the DEATH) did not help much either.
I assure you, my dear 13 year old self, that Real Life somewhat improved for you after high school. Maybe the horrid IGCSEs were there real culprits to blame? You go on to college and then university, graduating with honors, and into work life. You become quite self aware and true to your nature, even though your caution of people is still ever present. It was decided that you are very good at self-therapy, using your faith and intellect to push yourself and get rid of inward negativity.
For sure I’m addressing my current self as I am addressing you, my dear past. We, me and you are at a cross-roads in the present, not sure which path to take and what destiny is promising us. Life contained many many disappointments that wore us down. Yet we persevere with endless doubt and naive hope, learning to appreciate all the blessings that were already given.
In the end, you must remember that life is an illusion, it is not worth two cents compared to your peace of mind. Things get worse but they most certainly also get better. The ups and downs are what makes appreciate what we have and strive for what we need to become better people. So never loose hope on your journey. When life throws hurdles at you, simply, duck.
P.S. You can learn all sorts of things by letting go. The trick lies in not thinking too hard about whatever you want to do, but just allowing it to happen as if it were going to anyway.