My Love is obsessed with performance in bed and “showing me” things, proud of his high stamina that, he claims, took a lot of practice to acquire. “Egyptian men typically have very low stamina that fail to please their women”, he said. But his confidence becomes vanity. Unimpressive really. Since he lost a significant amount of body weight, women constantly pursue him and praise his handsome looks.
Countless women, Christian woman from the Church’s network, send him hook-up messages. He says he ignores them as he’s “in love” with me. His beautiful, frail and strictly religious mum wants get him married and sends him numerous pics of single Christian girls to meet. It makes me somewhat guilty that I’m indirectly holding him back, denying his mum the comfort of him settling down and a grandchild. But, I suppose, it’s his choice and mine.
Many times I break down and I cry. Especially after he so plainly stated there isn’t a possibility of a conventional future for us. He won’t convert, it’s an impossibility for his mother and a danger to him in this society. Although I do not condone conversion without true faith, I felt sad and crushed nevertheless. Maybe I want to save him? To find the beauty I found in my connection and understanding with God through Islam.
I feel, if he was characteristically stronger, he’d make a good Muslim man when there are so few of them around. I’ve attempted many times to discuss faith with him, to test the waters, but he’s never in the mood. “I didn’t even read the Bible to read the Quran”, he said. Being Christian for him is just cultural, merely a family and community commitment.
Although I believe I’m making peace with God for my worldly sins, on a daily basis, I still go back and forth between guilt and thankfulness. I constantly wonder if “My Love” was sent to me as a test from God, to see if I will anger Him and succumb to my desires. At the same time, I feel he was sent to rescue me from my loneliness and depression. For that possible illusion I’m truly thankful.
It all began so casually for me, but with sincere love, honesty and admiration. No guilt trips or annoyances from outside our little world. Just wanted to jump in head first with someone I finally allowed myself to trust. But… I also wonder if it was convenience that allowed him to be so open. I’m single, too kind and giving when shown the same courtesy, and living all alone. Very low maintenance and vulnerable.
Would he have stayed with me if I stuck to my physical virtues and refused to be intimate? If I was a little bitchy and made numerous demands? I don’t really know, but he says he loves me for my kind heart and wouldn’t have been in love with me so much otherwise. “Other men”, he said, “would have definitely taken horrible advantage of me but I’m not like that and truly care about your life and future.”
And I want to break free, break free from the barriers I’ve put around myself, and the comfort of dependency that has always restrained me.
In all honesty, I want to break my heart. I want to push the limits and test myself. I believe it will make me stronger, more self-aware and determined to face the illusions of this fleeting world. A woman’s heart has be broken in this male-dominated and egotistical world, so that she may finally realize that there won’t be anyone there for her but herself and her Creator.
My best friend believes I might retreat more severely into myself since I’m losing my rational mind in passion, while moving towards an unknown conclusion. Don’t lose your virginity, she said, it’s the most sacred possession and I might regret severely when the relationship ends, and feel overwhelming guilt for forsaking my values and principles.
She said I’m battling two extremes: My conservative, “good girl” self, who was always hidden in the fantasies of novels and movies; and the one who is liberated from all the conventions, but has fallen into another real-life fantasy that could possibly result in life-altering consequences.
I’m either in a self-discovery or self-destructive phase in order to permanently acquire a balance, my true self. I believe I have not totally sacrificed my values, but pushed them to the limit, and personal values and beliefs have always been subjective. There is no shame in pure love and new experiences with good intentions and I pray to my Creator that he accepts my constant search along the path I’ve chosen and forgives me.
It’s been six months now and I’m still floating in the air not knowing where it’s written for me to land. I pray I’m able to save him. I pray he will do all that he can to save me. I want us to save each other prove them all wrong.
Lying in bed at night I dream of my man…
His smiling eyes…when he looks at me with love
His handsome face…when he plays with his beard
His sexy lips…when they’re over mine
His strong arms…when they protect me all around
His soothing voice…when he calls me his LouLou
His beautiful heart…when I hear it beating under my ear
His loving hands…when they’re holding mine
Dreams are what I have when he’s far away…
To heal me, calm me and keep me sane…
So the days can pass till we meet again.