Loving You in Hope & Illusion – Chapter 3 “To Love or Not to Love”

I feel it bothers him and bruises his ego to be in love with me and can’t think of anyone else, or so he claims. He says I have total control over his mind and body even when I’m far away. So he does these subtle but significant actions to push me or himself away.

It bothers him so much to the extent he forced himself to enter an erotic massage parlor in Bucharest to see if he’ll be turned on and “do it”.

He didn’t, or so he claims. He couldn’t think of anyone else but me, he said; that he’s on another intense level of love he’s never been in before. He tried to reassure me that I’m the sexist woman in his eyes.

But I was left feeling betrayed and bothered. How could he let another woman touch him this way? What if his body did respond to the “really really sexy” woman despite his love for me? (I’m sure it did). Would he have continued “all the way” with her and convinced himself that he doesn’t truly love me after all?

He said the physical act of sex is very connected to his emotions. If he doesn’t feel anything for the woman, he will not get turned on. Even if she’s the sexist woman, a woman he’d “definitely be turned on by if he saw her online in pics or pornography”. Aren’t they unemotional connections?

He then wanted me to send him sexy pics of myself to turn him on, and apparently sustain him on his trip. I repeatedly informed him I don’t take these kinds of pics, and won’t be compared to those pics he finds online. In turn, he got upset. He said how I could think that I am being compared to those online, after he “confessed his love” for me.

From what I gather of his “explanation” is that it surprises him that he loves me so much and can’t do “it” with anyone, else even though I’m not sexy enough or beautiful enough in comparison to them. But that’s still not reassuring.

The reality is, I constantly let events pass, even if they upset me severely. I communicate. I ask and listen to understand when most fail to do so. But on his part, he becomes upset with me so harshly and without reason because he fails to understand or make peace with how he feels. He attempts to find faults in me or to blame me for anything to lower my ranking in his mind.

Things work out, because I compromise, forgive and try my best not to hold grudges. But am I trying too hard to succeed in something I know will eventually end and break my heart? Why am I letting things go and sacrificing my body, mind and soul?

Author: letsconclude.net

Welcome to my blog! This is where I'll hope to inspire you with my reflections about life, culture and food.

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