Loving You in Hope & Illusion – Chapter 4 “Pros & Cons”

A solid relationship is not based on lust, uncontrollable emotions, big talk or mere convenience.  Feeling passion and butterflies in your stomach is always exciting and will temporarily make you happy. But having someone whom you completely trust to always be by your side, in the difficult times and the good, with whom you can totally be yourself in assurance they will never betray, is what true love and respect is all about.

I believe my feelings for My Love were tested the day he had a most serious chat with me about Mum’s feelings towards him and our future, while he was in Europe, leaving me in panic that he may leave me soon. Then he went off and tried to give himself to someone else!

How could he think that won’t hurt me?! Even after his claim that he couldn’t do it because he loves me too much. Just the mere attempt was a betrayal.

I was devastated and now it’s difficult for me to believe what he says and trust him 100% without doubt. There were many things he said and promised that we’re not done and won’t be done, but this was a clinch.

Now we are back to “I miss you” and “I love you so much” sweet talk as if nothing happened. But I’m going with the flow because he’s not here and I was cannot have this chat unless face to face.

Do I forgive so easily and listen and try to understand the other point of view more than necessary? Is it because I don’t scream and shout that my feelings get trampled on frequently? He even keeps referring to how much he wants me. Is that all I am to him? A warm, convenient, naive and trusting body.

We have to have a serious conversation and clear everything before that ever happens.
I love the guy, but there are serious personality clashes between us that I keep discovering and am getting annoyed by more and more. And I feel he’s becoming disrespectful towards me. If I ever lose my trust in him, it will be over for me.

I know he has issues with approval from women and weight and societal appearances, but why did he compromise his principles for his so-called friends and, in return, hurt the one he supposedly loves?

My Love has many pros: Handsomeness and charm (even though he’s very insecure about his looks and about pleasing everyone); kindness (even though on few occasions I felt he cared about his own convenience and satisfaction more than mine); he’s smart (in ways that lean towards materialism); a kind mother (who will never accept me as a partner for her son because I’m Muslim); a great kisser and lover (but I don’t have anything else to compare to). He seems to genuinely love me but is too weak to seriously do any effort about it. He’s an all-around nice guy.

But My Love’s cons are surely beginning to appear. He is arrogant. You know this male arrogance? Never accepts my advice, especially when it comes to food and health. This seriously annoys me because I want to have done something to help him and I want to feel I’m a better influence to him. But I feel my advice and opinions annoy him, that I’m right or know about a topic more than he does. That’s why he is stubborn and mocking.

My Love is obsessive about appearances and the perceptions of others, even at the expense of his own well-being and principles. He succumbs easily to peer pressure and false “manly traditions”.

He swears and makes fun of people and is somewhat judgemental. Makes me wonder if he makes hidden assumptions about me (many examples that prove he does).

He is materialistic, always referring to and admiring the riches of others in a very envious way, like he’s a poor pauper or something. It’s seriously unnerving since I prefer to talk about spirituality and how human beings are destroying the world with their vanity.

My Love is too obsessed about his weight and is managing it in an unhealthy way. He eats and drinks junk on free days, even though he knows they will harm him and then annoys me with it. He makes plans he doesn’t fulfill and says things he doesn’t mean. But didn’t we agree it’s all a dream in the first place?

He’s Christian. There’s no future. It’ll all end in heart break. Why does My Love make me feel like I’m “The One” when I’m not?

I do not claim to be perfect myself. I may also be arrogant, judging, and I know I’m overly sensitive, worrisome and self-righteous. I’m not such a “good girl conservative”, quiet and in hiding anymore. I’ve directed myself to the opposite extreme, compromising my virtue and probably my relationship with God in the process.

Maybe that’s what I have to do to find the balance within myself, become stronger to face the world. Going the extreme may build within me courage and awareness when dealing with what I most fear and distrust: Men.

Author: letsconclude.net

Welcome to my blog! This is where I'll hope to inspire you with my reflections about life, culture and food.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.