My Love returns to me in four days. There is this feeling of dread, along with excitement to see him again. My life these past months have been filled with so much drama that sometimes I wish to return to the Gulf and curl up in my old childhood room.
These turbulent couple of weeks since he left for Europe have put important issues between us into perspective. But I fear I’ll ignore rationality and lose strength again when I’m with him, just to keep holding on.
He keeps referring to missing me in terms of intimacy. As if that’s the only romance part of every committed relationship. Again I keep wondering if that’s the only part he misses about me, or the most important part he misses. The warm body and convenience. To me, the romance part is the sense of being taken care of (no matter how fleeting it is). Although I miss being in his arms, I felt relieved not having the guilt of sin on my mind.
I’ve never thought I’d ever indulge my carnal desires unless with my Muslim husband. I’ve always thought of intimacy as a scared act and in countless conversations on the issue I was firm in the opinion of waiting for marriage and full commitment. Now I’m one of those who’ve followed their desires and ignored their brains. I love My Love (at least I think I do). It felt right at the time to fall into his arm and give him myself. But surely that was just the Devil and my weak self clouding my mind.
I believe I’m currently feeling this way because it has become clear that I do not belong with My Love for the rest of our lives. That our relationship is on the path of a heartbreaking end and I feel guilty giving away something so sacred of myself.
I’m not a perfect Muslim. Obviously. But I believe in Islam as the truest guide in life, that has provided us lost souls with a clear path of righteousness, should we choose to accept it. I accept my religion and have faith, but I am still making excuses to justify my desires and decisions in contradiction with what was commanded and recommended by God. Like oh so many lost souls.
I believe I have given this relationship my all with good intentions and God is the Most Merciful and knows what’s in our hearts. I do want to marry My Love and I want him to see the truth I see and believe. But it’s not in my hands to guide someone to the righteous straight path. It’s all God’s Will and I firmly believe there is no force or obligation in religion. Truth is clear from error.
I thought I’d be able to marry a Christian as long as we both respect our respective beliefs without imposition and raise potential children in harmony with both faiths until they’re old enough to choose their own path. But it’s easier to dream than to live in reality and I don’t know if I can take that step anymore without all those nagging feelings that tell me I’ll be betraying God. Muslims believes in Jesus (pbuh) and Islam highly reveres the messenger, however Christians do not believe in Mohammed (pbuh).
My Love most probably also has these thoughts, thinking that he will betray God if he marries me. He is not independent enough of the social and cultural constraints that surround us, and not at peace with himself enough to have that type of marriage, even if we were living freely away from Egypt and the Egyptian community.
His mother will never accept me, not because of me as a person but because of breaking normal societal traditions held so sacredly by Egyptians regardless if they’re right or wrong.
My Love said its a shame we are wasting our lives and not living freely in the accepting communities of the west. But it’s nearly impossible to make that transition.
I don’t know what’s going to happen later when My Love returns, if my love for him will be the same as before. I do not want to develop any resentment against him and I don’t want him to resent me. But for now I’ll have to be patient with false hope and pray to God to save us.
No matter all the drama, I still feel we are good together and that we have a chance if we are brave and grab on to it. When he’s away from me I’m so miserable, he’s so miserable, we attract negative energy and things go wrong, especially for him. Maybe we’re just so connected or maybe we’re giving our relationship too much credit.