My Love is back and spent the day with me. I was excited to see him again, but the minute he held me is arms I felt… dread. He was away for only three weeks, but so much have happened between then and now, perspectives have changed. I was drained and guilt was weighing down my heart and mind. There wasn’t anything left of me to give anymore.
I got back that familiar feeling of comfort as the day went on. Maybe I just had to get used to him being around again. But only guilt is what I felt during our intimate moments. I can’t shut my thoughts off anymore and enjoy the surrender. There is too much analysis, too much clarity. Now that the sense of finality is right at the door, I feel shame that I’ve given all of me. I’ve never ever wanted to regret anything, but the brain fog was lifted and those stomach butterflies disappeared when our realities were spoken.
My barriers have come up and I can’t live the moment with naive hope like I used to. His loving words don’t mean much anymore, cannot sustain the fantasy. I still can’t help but feel he’s just with me for convenience, to just not to make me sad. I feel he’s getting tired and wearied of this whole relationship himself and is looking for a way out, subconsciously wishing I’ll end it for him.
He’s never leaving Egypt with me, he’s never converting. Why would he when I’m already giving him everything? In his head, even from the very first day, he’s convinced this relationship is going to end. In any case, relationships based on sin, without God’s blessing, rarely work out.
The following week, we went to the North Coast together and stayed at his chalet. I felt both relief and dread being with him all alone away from the city. One one hand, it was truly freeing living alone with him away from the city where we were constantly hiding our affection. I felt so tired being in hiding, and still feel so. It was wonderful experiencing a little freedom and our love in the open.
We went to the beach as couple, stayed behind closed doors as couple, dined together as a couple. We went out together in Cairo, but were weary of running into people that knew us. There’s the constant worry of my neighbors noticing how often he comes over and stays.
On the other hand, I couldn’t really tell if fully living together will be harmonious, if there was a future for that. There are still many differences between us in attitude and life perspectives. But it was enlightening to experience real-life living before actual real-life living, which will not happen with us.
Each day I get more and more confused and scared while, simultaneously, I cannot fathom living without him.